So Funny Quotes

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I've died. I swear I'm aging in dog years. But no, I'm not dead. It's funny how stuff like that gets started.

It's a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year.

I was not particularly bright, I wasn't very athletic, I was a little too tall, odd, funny looking, I was just really weird as a kid.

Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.

You can't tell a millionaire's son from a billionaire's.

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.

There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.

Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.

Now is the time for all good men to come to.

Writing about something specific, in my mind, was overwhelming, so I wrote about art because I love art and I know I can say a couple of funny things about art.

The only time to buy these is on a day with no 'y' in it.

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

I've been to Paris. And it ain't that pretty at all.

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without your even asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.

Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion.

There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income.

There is no insanity so devastating in man's life as utter sanity.

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

If you want to live like a Republican, vote like a Democrat.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Life is as tedious as twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Eating words has never given me indigestion.

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

Ninety percent of putts that are short, don't go in.

I'd say he's done more than that.

It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't.

He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.

There is only one thing worse than training employees and losing them, and that's not training them and keeping them

One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I'll be eavesdropping from the kitchen.

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.