The Absurd Quotes
Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' q
Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!
When you're reaching the end of the semester and you just wanna die. Coffin Making 101 is literally killing me.-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
I, Larry Vail, do hereby confessTo murdering Merry in her little dress.To strangling and raping and making a mess.To all of these charges the answer is yes.
He was too smitten by his second wife and the sons she produced easily and regularly at eighteen-month intervals to bother too much about a daughter.
We call love what binds us to certain creatures only by reference to a collective way of seeing for which books and legends are responsible.
It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow
Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.
The Law of Chaos: Any activity or event that seems to lie beyond the boundaries of possibility will usually be the first thing to occur.
Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers