Witty Funny Quotes

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Hatred is blind, as well as love.

Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 2

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

My inner child is not wounded.

You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.

I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes, and I won't say no - but I'm giving you a definite maybe.

The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past.

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

I paid too much for it, but it's worth it.

I don't care if it doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.

Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced