Witty Quotes

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

You have to love your children unselfishly. That's hard. But it's the only way.

I think about Aaron Rodgers, he's like Chris Evans before he got the HGH injection in Captain America. But before he was super smart and was still witty and stuff. That's how I see Tom Brady.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.

A good ad should be like a good sermon: It must not only comfort the afflicted, it also must afflict the comfortable.

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.

After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.

Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

Advertising in the final analysis should be news. If it is not news it is worthless.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Where is it written that a smart woman can't also be stacked?

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

Is there some thought being given to subsidizing the clearing of rainforests in order for some countries to eliminate that production of greenhouse gases?

Nowhere are prejudices more mistaken for truth, passion for reason and invective for documentation than in politics.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

I have read your book and much like it.

A witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power.

The simplest definition of advertising, and one that will probably meet the test of critical examination, is that advertising is selling in print.

Every time a message seems to grab us, and we think, 'I just might try it,' we are at the nexus of choice and persuasion that is advertising.

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

A politician thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.