100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Pick battles big enough to matter small enough to win.

I'm a little wounded but I am not slain I will lay me down to bleed a while. Then I'll rise and fight again.

I believe the angels listen, God hears us pray. And I believe in a beautiful day.

I often dream about the Dolphin Hotel.

As the interest of man, so his God - as his God, so he.

The author knows just what he wants to illustrate and how he would like it to be done.

The people is dead! Good-day, Self!

I definitely want to write some fiction, for sure. I already have half of the next book. I already have it all mapped out. I'm ready. I'm ready to bring it to the world.

I want to be a person that isn't surrounded by their mail and their cat.

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose