2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

That’s the only thing you can do with a mess. Start cleaning it up, a little at a time.

It's okay to be happy.

It's strange how few of the world's great problems are solved by people who remember their algebra.

Came but for friendship, and took away love.

A thousand words can't make the mark a single deed will leave.

And Satan smiled, stretched out his hand, and said, "O War, of all the scourges of humanity, I crown you chief.

The prince must be a lion, but he must also know how to play the fox.

I'm a believer in film school.

No bill works if it doesn't work in a zip code where somebody lives.

Poetry fettered fetters the human race.