2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

We need a new religion, a global religion, based on one simple principle: live and let live.

If only every man would make proper use of his strength and do his utmost he need never regret his limited ability.

Affery, like greater people, had always been right in her facts, and always wrong in the theories she deduced from them.

Berlioz says nothing in his music, but he says it magnificently.

Take the very hardest thing in your life - the place of difficulty, outward or inward, and expect God to triumph gloriously in that very spot. Just there He can bring your soul into blossom.

I'm interested in going places that I haven't been. And I'm interesting in working with people that I feel are dangerous and sort of push me in different places.

Today the large organization is lord and master, and most of its employees have been desensitized much as were the medieval peasants who never knew they were serfs.

I literally was saved by a role, from becoming a cab driver. I never did have to wait tables, though, so looking back I guess I had it pretty soft.

I needed to stop eating sweeties and cakes. It's the bane of my life. I had to lose the weight for my health.

I have one one type: Eva Lauren Tramell. That’s it.” I rolled my eyes. “Okay. Whatever.