99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The consequence of your illusions is your reality.

Love yourself

They X-rayed my head and found nothing.

Dating is for tools.

I've had many a player tell me all through high school and right up until signing day that they were coming to Alabama, then they signed with somebody else.

You can't be everything to everyone

Being #1 on MSN is like being Valedictorian of summer school.

Death, after all, is the common expectation from birth. Neither heroes nor cowards can escape it.

It takes certain kind of naiveté, or perhaps just stupidity, to know things will end and still hope otherwise.

There are couples a matchmaker would match every time - and couples who, for no rhyme or reason, rhyme.