A $20 haircut hardly ever lasts longer than a $5 haircut.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Never trust a woman whose father calls her 'Princess'. Chances are she believes it.

There is no such thing as a self-cleaning oven.

Seek but provision of bread and wine, fools to flatter, and clothing fine; and nothing of God shall ever be thine.

The chief beneficiary of life insurance policies for young, single people is the life insurance agent.

There is nothing personal about a personal ad.

They aren't kidding when they say, "Wash Whites separately.

Always take an extra quarter to the laundry room.

Hurry up and learn patience.

If you have to learn it from a self-help book, you may be beyond help.

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Now that I have made peace with the imperfections, I no longer look around for happiness. I found the eternal happiness that has always been there, somewhere within me!

It was all in my head and now all I had to do was figure out a way to get it down on paper.

The only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can never play it the same way twice! (Calvin)

It's not easy making money as an actor. It's just not an easy thing to do. There's so many that want to do it and so few opportunities to do it that it's not as easy as it would seem.

You have to really be careful with what you see and read because you can't believe it all.

I have some very special guests tonight, and I would like to give a big welcome to the Wayne State men and women's rugby team for coming to the game tonight and to be on my TV Show

We dont invent our natures. Theyre issued to us along with our lungs, our pancreas and everything else.

Any nation that decides the only way to achieve peace is through peaceful means is a nation that will soon be a piece of another nation.

Conquer we shall, but, we must first contend! It's not the fight that crowns us, but the end.