A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

And like an echo, God often uses the repetitive events and themes in daily life to get my attention and draw me closer to himself." - The Sacred Echo

It's interesting, in the U.K., I'm known for doing comedy things, which often doesn't translate to the U.S.

I'm just writing about people. People are dark and complicated. I'm trying to tell the truth; that's all that I do.

Michelle Obama gives a speech, and everyone loves it. It's fantastic. They think she's absolutely great. My wife, Melania, gives the exact same speech... And people get on her case.

There are no accidents so unlucky but the prudent may draw some advantage from them.

Goodness, generosity, or love does not come into being save through the search for reality.

I don't work with a trainer. I just go to cheerleading practice and run a couple times a week.

"From what I have seen here," remarked Sancho, "justice is so good a thing that even robbers find it necessary."

It is one of our most exciting discoveries that local discovery leads to a complex of further discoveries.

True courage scorns to vent her prowess in a storm of words; and to the valiant action speaks alone.