A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Real life is only ever just real life. Messy. What it means depends on how you look at it. The only thing you’ve got to do is find a way to live there.

It seemed the more I knew about people the more I knew about the strange magic hidden in their hearts.

When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself.

Zac Efron would make us feel guilty for eating big dinners. He'd say, 'Do you really want to eat those carbs?' It was like, 'Thanks a lot!'

Being a white South African, I enjoyed the better things that that country gave to a small percentage of its population.

We have allowed the interests of capital to outweigh the interests of human beings and our Earth.

Darren Levine has my unqualified support and gratitude for his contributions to Krav Maga.

Coal boosters like to tout coal as cheap and plentiful - well, not anymore. At least not in China.

my sword reappeared in my pocket. yeah,great timing.now i could attack the walls all i wanted.my cell had no bar,no window,not even a door

You smoke? (Randy) Only when I’m on fire. (Steele) I don’t appreciate your humor, Mr. Steele. (Randy) I’m an acquired taste. (Steele)