A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Love is not jealous, angry or afraid.

Purpose is more important than the process that leads there.

View every obstacle as an opportunity to grow.

When you understand what you’re truly worth, who is going to be able to make you feel worthless? No one.

Izzy felt as though she’d wandered into the third act of a play. She had no idea what was going on, but it was unbearably dramatic.

Work isn't meaningful just because you spend your life doing it.

No matter what, if you're a parent, you have to make sacrifices.

Solution = Conflict + Collaboration

Too few people in computer science are aware of some of the informational challenges in biology and their implications for the world. We can store an incredible amount of data very cheaply.

This is life weve been given, made to be lived out, so... live out loud.