A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

My thoughts are stars i cannot fathom into constellations

As much as I don't care about those things, I think it's human nature to not want to feel totally insignificant.

Nothing is more hip than a corpse. The style is timeless. Death is trending.

My son likes to go see mines and electric plants, or the Large Hadron Collider, and we've had a chance to see a lot of interesting stuff.

Take responsibility for finding your one true love

I cannot make my days longer so I strive to make them better.

Religions are founded by what mystics say when they come back; but what the mystics say is not the same as what happened to them.

The good news is that the bad news can be turned into good news when you change your attitude.

February, when the days of winter seem endless and no amount of wistful recollecting can bring back any air of summer.

The turtle couldn't help us.