A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

When individuals and communities do not govern self, they risk being ruled by external forces that care less about the well-being of the village.

Let us reason according to the Scriptures.

I never have anything to talk about.

Good Humor is the best shield against the darts of satirical raillery

Sheriff Joe Arpaio in Phoenix arrested three people. As soon as he arrested those three people, everybody else immediate left.

Is not wounded vanity the mother of all tragedies?

I came from a different mind-set growing up, and my mind has changed.

I hate album covers where people are just smiling so big. It's like a neon sign that says PLEASE COME BUY ME.

I fell in love with Africa and began helping people fix things there.

Here's why nuclear defense makes sense. And I know something about this. A missile can take an airplane out of the air. A better missile can take a missile out of the air.