A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

True success is accepting yourself for what you have to offer rather than for what you cannot do.

Family jokes though rightly cursed by strangers are the bond that keeps most families alive.

We are tethered to our kind, and may as well join hands in the struggle.

And I wasn't convinced that I was the most talented person in the world.

There's a lot of cultural pressure around specialness and seeing your family. I feel like everything gets jacked up a little bit because of all of these expectations of love and family bonding.

I have to get way more vocal and become a little bit less mysterious.

If one means by style the voice, the irreducible and always recognizable and alive thing, then of course style is really everything.

I like the effect drink has on me.

Styles become dated. Style doesn't.

I read more and more and I came across this character, Caroline Weldon. Sometimes in history, you find these people that no one would dare create. They're too mad.