A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

There’s a little tagline in there that I throw out to our fans, I like to call them my sinners, and I’m a fellow sinner, and so I think that’s a special little throw-out to them.

Bettering the lives of others is the role of a person with a servant’s heart.

Love when you can, and fight when you must, but stand together and never give up, not to the enemy, and not on each other.

The real world is not easy to live in. It is rough it is slippery. Without the most clear-eyed adjustments we fall and get crushed.

Never do human beings speculate more, or have more opinions, than about things which they do not understand.

We are all creatures of habit. We can do most things without even thinking about them; our bodies take charge and do them for us.

O people who take pleasure in a life that will vanish, falling in love with a fading shadow is sheer stupidity

Some folks they take to living fast while some prefer a slow death.

They subjugate first, if the weaker peoples will stand for it; then exploit, and if they will not stand for SUBJUGATION nor EXPLOITATION, the other recourse is EXTERMINATION.

Knowledge always liberates.