A bad artist almost always tries to conceal his incompetence by whooping up a new formula.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

… there is no permanence or guarantee in this life.

...sometimes it's best not to know, because even when you know, it doesn't matter anyway. Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is often a responsibility nobody wants.

He that will learn to pray let him to sea.

There are, first of all, two kinds of authors: those who write for the subject's sake, and those who write for writing's sake.

It's not just enough to change the president if we want to change America.

One of the great rules of hockey is: On the Stanley Cup, all germs are healthy.

The kind of über-objective is to make people laugh. You always have to have that in the back of your mind, "Eh, I've got to figure out a way to make this funny."

I haven't been offered a lot of comedy. In theater, I've done quite a bit of comedy or dramas that included a lot of funny stuff. But in my TV work, those aren't the roles that I've been offered.

Yesterday's adaptations are today's routines.

People don't come to a comedy club simply to hear someone's thoughts, no matter how profound.