A biggest mistake I made when I started doing a talk show was I thought you had to read the books.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

I don't see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty - and evaporating quickly.

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.

I don't feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him.

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.

I don't know what you mean, but I know that you mean it.(attrib: 'Edward', Appendix 2)

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

Still when I lost her, I lost sight of any landmark that might have led me someplace happier, to some more populated or congenial life.

I aim to direct as much as I act at some point in time.

Intuition is the clear conception of the whole at once.

America was founded on majority rule, not supermajority rule. Somehow, over the years, this has morphed into supermajority rule, and that changes things.

Anyone who tries to write a memoir needs to keep in mind that what's interesting to you isn't necessarily interesting to a reader.

It is always to early to quit.

Whatever you focus on you're going to feel.