A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I’m begging you, for the love of all that’s filthy and wrong in this world, have a good time with tall, dark, and raspy, okay?

An outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.

If in 100 years I am only known as the man who invented Sherlock Holmes then I will have considered my life a failure.

The size of your paycheck shouldn’t determine your child’s future.

We’re all a little mad, my friend. Keeps life interesting.

Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.

In all honesty, we never tried to get the number-one song anywhere anyway.

You are my sweetest downfall.

I am such a good man, at bottom, such a good man, how is it that nobody ever noticed it?

We can grow good wheat and make good bread only if we understand that we do not live by bread alone.