A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

she might have been pretty when she started out, but the world had moved on since then.

The Joseph in you must rise to the challenges of life and turn them into gold.

Beware of desp'rate steps the darkest day lived till tomorrow will have pass'd away.

Something I really hate more than anything else is clogs.

Everyone from Canada and from here contributed [to the Sausage Party] - it truly is, like, every market.

I am neither an economist nor a photographer of monuments, and I am not much of a journalist either. What I am trying to do more than anything else is to observe life.

Community care is a fundamental, an essential, an enduring part of our aged care system.

The church of my choice is the free, open world.

We, we, and none else, are responsible for what we suffer. We are the effects, and we are the causes.

I don't remember writing anything until I wrote my college application.