A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

You are that one breath. that puts all the remaining breaths. back into my body.

Perception number one, how you want people to think about you when you arrive and perception number two, how you want them to talk about you once you have left.

Your character is your conduct.

Evidence is of no longer consequence when hope enters the fray, and this iswhere faith is born—a seemingly abundant commodity certain powerfulorganizations feed on fervently, if not lavishly.

It is possible to be truly mad and to still exist upon scraps of life.

In 1994 the U.S. Court of Appeals decided in the case of Oliver North to permit the release of grand jury evidence, because it had already been so thoroughly leaked

The spirit seeks the spirit just as matter seeks matter.

Farmers are respectable and interesting to me in proportion as they are poor.

I don't want to fail the audience. I don't want to let them down.

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.