A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Human beings, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to believe in a certain way, and can't really get rid of it.

God loves you unconditionally, even with all your imperfections. But you must do your best to continuously break some of your ungodly habits.

As ill-luck would have it.

As the social self can only be developed by contact with society, so the spiritual self can only be developed by contact with the spiritual world.

Nature imitates mathematics.

I think that we all carry the divine within us.

No person among us desires any other reward for performing a brave and worthy action, but the consciousness of having served his nation.

They could steam up windows with their kisses, but as soon as they started using their mouths for other things—like talking—everything got so complicated.

All systems require myths for their longevity.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.