A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

Is this one of those days where we all stalk out in fury? Because I simply haven't got the energy for it.

You cannot fix a problem that you refuse to acknowledge.

A story is never complete.

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply to enjoy simply to think freely to risk life to be needed.

I was about to meet Beyonce, and I had a full-blown anxiety attack. Then she popped in looking gorgeous, and said, 'You're amazing! When I listen to you I feel like I'm listening to God.'

Deadlines comes as a surprise....superb: a new genre, in fact, combining the pleasures of list-making with that of last-minute eaves-dropping.

Happiness is an activity of the soul in accordance with virtue

If you want to be a real entrepreneur you have to be the cause, you have to be the creator of someone else's new realty. Which eliminates time, space, motion, and friction.

As a live stand-up comedy performer, I have the benefit of choosing real entrance music.

...they'd just tell you to turn the other cheek, wouldn't they?...Trouble is, Mrs. Dowdel observed, after you've turned the other cheek four times, you run out of cheeks.