A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Love is a kind of insanity.

In cross-examination as in fishing nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.

In economics, hope and faith coexist with great scientific pretension and also a deep desire for respectability.

It is all falling indelibly into the past.

One difference between a conviction and a prejudice is that a conviction can be explained without getting angry.

In painting one must search rather for suggestion than for description, as is done in music.

I would love to be in the position where the role is challenging enough that I need three months to prepare for it and then six months to live the life of character.

Compost makes houseplants very happy.

Then why are we being shot at? (Syd) ’Cause the sonofabitch can’t tell time. (Steele)

I had to paint the picture that I was never scared, otherwise I couldn't do my job. But now, as an actor, I'm literally paid to look emotionally accessible.