A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Fear deprives us the fullness of existence.

Great stories strengthen us to be great souls.

...the best is a matter of standards—and I set my own standards.

Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles but it does ruin today's happiness.

I believe it is time for new leadership that is able to leave the '70s behind.

I'm [going] through a mystified period of my life, where the more I learn, the less I know.

Civil disobedience is the inherent right of a citizen.

For surely to be wise is the most desirable thing in all the world.

BBC Radio is not so much an art or industry as it is a way of life . . . a mirror that reflects . . . the eccentricities, the looniness that make Britons slightly different from other humans.

The success of Darwinism was accomplished by a decline in scientific integrity.