A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Perception is the lie that we convince ourselves exists

I am furiously happy. It's not a cure for mental illness...it's a weapon, designed to counter it. It's a way to take back some of the joy that's robbed from you when you're crazy.

The whole hard work in achieving any goal is not in the means of achieving greater heights, but in the courage in fulfilling the simple yet daunting tasks.

I've always maintained terrorism passes through Pakistan, it doesn't evolve in Pakistan.

So I hear they call you 'The Freak' Wow, that's quite a coincidence. They call me 'The Brain.'

Putin is someone who has been undermining the norms of what we consider the world order since he got into power and in increasing success.

Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant.

All of that loneliness and longing in my heart got transferred into the book Because of Winn-Dixie, I guess.

I think you'll have to marry me, Miss Fielding." "To save your reputation?" Derek grinned, bending to kiss the flash of pale throat revealed by the robe. "Someone has to make a respectable man of me.

I try to simulate the most difficult conditions the players will encounter during competition.