A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

When it comes to your looks, the only option in this world that matters is yours.

Red in the head, Silver in the heart

True repentance is to cease from sin.

What's nice about our tour is you can't remember your bad shots.

I'm as voyeuristic and intrigued as the next person as to how celebrities live.

What governments call international monetary cooperation is concerted action for the sake of credit expansion.

Cavalry is useful before, during, and after the battle.

I do have to ask the following: I feel very bad about that [spate of incidents, racially-charged incidents, across the country ].

On this path let the heart be your guide.