A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.

That life is far too short to waste on grudges. Love does not come along often. When it does, you can’t throw it away because it isn’t perfect.

Love men and women not for their strength but their softness, not for their fullness but their hunger, not for their plenty but their need.

Skipping school isn't a crime. It's an infraction. They're totally different.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Television provokes strong opinions, and sometimes we try a bit too hard to appeal to everyone.

In the history of the hip hop world...there has been one, single, solitary human being in the history of the world. One female rapper to sell more albums than me in the first week.

Giving me a a new idea is like handing a cretin a gun, but I do thank you anyhow, bang bang.

I play piano every day.

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An era similar to the one in which the black rotary phone dominated its product category may not recur anytime soon.