A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

God help those who do not help themselves.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

We think a wise person is someone who solves problems. Truth is, a wise person is someone who avoids problems.

The moment you learn the lesson, the test will be over.

Never once did I think you were less than a good person.

During the campaign for re-election, Barack Obama at least made vague references to a willingness to accept $3 trillion of reduced spending in exchange for a $1 trillion dollar tax increase.

Writing is so difficult that I feel that writers, having had their hell on earth, will escape all punishment hereafter.

There is no nation in the whole world desiring war.

[Calvin Trilllin] is not writing about things that I can criticize. I can call these other people out for what I think they are not doing. There's a big difference.

It's funny; as I get older I'm reverting to my roots - I want to plant stuff.

Do not be bewildered by the surfaces: in the depths all becomes law.