A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.

Lui mi dava e mi toglieva e volevo supplicarlo di smetterla.

Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.

We are semipermeable membranes. We can pick and choose which troubles are worthy of our attention. What sinks us can only do so with our permission

Mum always says the right thing. She always makes everything better.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Sleep demands of us a guilty immunity.

Hell, the truth is that I was named after a dog!

But my brother Joey was there, and my sister Tina Nina Minnelli was there.

If we are not able to smile, then the world will not have peace.

Never give up on your dream...Perseverance is all important. If you don't have the desire and the belief in yourself to keep trying after you've been told you should quit, you'll never make it.