A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it.

Money talks — but credit has an echo.

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.

When you come into the world you have nothing... when you leave you have nothing... and in between there's the IRS.

I believe in facing reality. But only because I don't like turning my back on it.

People used to live lives of quiet desperation - now they go on talk shows!

I like to get to work early. Before my brain knows what I'm up to.

The Senate being tied is a start. Now, if only it could be gagged.

It's not that Good doesn't triumph over Evil, it's that the point spread is too small.

Stay in shape because it's too easy to lose this race against time.

Why is it that only girls stand on the sides of their feet? As if they're afraid to plant themselves?

A vampire is very easy; you just take a very good-looking actor, put some teeth on them, make them pale, and you're there.

At a touch, he explodes like a snapdragon into loud purrs.

My mother's brother was killed while clearing mines in 1945. Those are things that mark your childhood and they help explain why we are so devoted to European unity.

For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.

Always bet on yourself, no matter what the odds are. It means more to be in the race than watching the victory lap from the stands.

The whole concept of providence is that God knows everything about what we do.

My feeling was that I simply didn't have the enthusiasm to do reinvention.

You can't change your game based on where you're playing.