A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

You are the belle of the ball tonight.” He said as he moved in closer. “How can you be so sinfully beautiful Mrs. Norman?

The untented Kosmos my abode, I pass, a wilful stranger:My mistress still the open roadAnd the bright eyes of danger.

Beware the fury of a patient man.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My natural color is dark blond, but right now I like being a brunette. I did a movie last summer and they dyed my hair platinum - I hated it.

I used to be in love with Sandra Bullock when I was growing up. Sandy B. was my girl. I remember seeing Speed when I was in seventh grade and just thinking, 'That's her.'

A second book that makes you rethink the first book is the Holy Grail of a series.

I may not have succeeded in halting the war, but I did secure the right of parliament to decide on war.

It's very easy to have slogans and rhetoric that people will follow, but eventually the slogans fall away

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.