A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

Don’t get all gothic and emo on me now. - Tory

I cannot shut you out the way I shut the others out, so maybe I can destroy you. Must destroy you?

It is the logical next step in our ongoing effort to shift our company's centre of gravity, accelerate our growth

What is commonly called friendship is only a little more honor among rogues.

Whatever you resist will persist.

I wonder what it’s like for her, looking so much like a dead girl.

Oh, don't worry! I'm always okay!

Failure is just a way for our lives to show us we're moving in the wrong direction, that we should try something different

For I see that then I was still all in a state of innocence, but that innocence, once lost, is lost forever.

I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free.