A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

He was one of those young men who possess an impressive store of facts, but no truths.

There is no such thing as a regrettable act of courage.

But while success and failure depend on conditions, the mind neither waxes nor wanes.

Makeup artists are always giving me their stuff. My favorite thing is free stuff. I'll take anything.

Religions die slowly.

Bridget Jones' Baby, at heart is about the gap between how you expect life to turn out and how it actually does.

I never fight, except against difficulties.

Anything that cools my love for Christ is the world.

I auditioned for Jake in Progress, and I was nervous because I had a big crush on John Stamos. I was totally thrown off and couldnt remember my lines.

It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.