A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

You better start swimming, or you'll sink like a stone. Because the Time's they are a-changing.

Different views are essential for progress

Longing for something fresh, for something no one else has said often leads to bad exegesis.

Across the board, from my mother to my father to my aunts and uncles, everybody has always given me a lot of love.

I've got to find something and if I find something that I like, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't.

You may know more about vintage wine than the wine steward, but if you're smart you'll let your man do the choosing and be ecstatic over his selection, even if it tastes like shampoo.

There's a fine line between heartbreak and love. It's a compliment when someone tells me my music put them in a place when where they were almost in tears.

Faith is primarily a process of identification; the process by which the individual ceases to be himself and becomes part of something eternal.

I want to tell stories for everyone, primarily.

I can't promise that every child with learning differences will become a novelist, but I do think all children can become lifelong readers.