A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Fiction is a solution, the best solution, to the problem of existential solitude.

I tend to avoid people who always have something to say … and those who expect me to always have something to say.

It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it.

You must run around like a crazy person or walk sedately honoring the dead.

I'm sorry. I'm very young.

I don't know if I've ever played a character who's close to me. There have been some elements of myself in different roles. Sometimes, I show one side of myself and then completely conceal the other.

To be part of the creation, I must act humbly. I'll take that over a goddess any day!

Failure is not an option, and I always felt like I'm a man who doesn't have regrets, and I don't live with excuses. I can't take excuses.

For a poet, making poems is a way of viewing the world, being in the world, breathing.

God always punishes us for what we can't imagine.