A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Once you discover that failure is survivable, your fear of it subsides. Failure is not opposite to success, just part of its process.

Profoundly moved, he kissed the lax waiting mouth with exquisite unhappiness.

Let what is Soulfully shared this Christmas, remind you of all you have the power to achieve.

It's one thing to carry your life wherever you go. Another thing to always go looking for it somewhere else.

It is curious that while one's education is the part of one's life over the conditions of which one has least individual control, the results of it are held to brand one irrevocably.

In every moment you have the choice to be a victim or a creator.

Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place.

We have a tremendous investment in facilities for (internal combustion engines, transmissions, and axles) and I can't see throwing them away just because the electric car doesn't emit fumes.

Christ is the meat, the bread, the food of our souls. Nothing is in him of a higher spiritual nourishment than his love, which we should always desire.

I always thought it would never happen. And then, it became possible. In between commissions, I wrote it as an original screenplay [Allied].