A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The calmest part of the storm is not in its eye, but in your own soul.

It is better to own 10% of an elephant than 100% of a rat.

Ultimately the white man should leave the United States and the black people should go back to Africa.

I start from scratch with each movie; I wipe the slate and I certainly don't rely on some bag of acting tricks I've amassed over the years.

If only we could live two lives: the first in which to make one's mistakes, and the second in which to profit by them.

Freedom is the silence of the law.

There is no gilding of setting sun or glamor of poetry to light up the ferocious and endless toil of the farmers' wives.

To say someone is a producer... it's kind of a slippery term.

Don't depend on other people as the source of your happiness or for approval.

Elegance is no longer significant; clothes have to be fun.