A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

Because one dead leaves every material back, even the body, but what is taken is the soul with memories.

I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

I think I was so successful, not because I was brilliant, but because I was so young. I had no fear of consequences.

I would save the Union. I would save it the shortest way under the Constitution. The sooner the national authority can be restored; the nearer the Union will be 'the Union as it was'.

Particularly at the moment, it's an incredibly optimistic thing to bring children into the world.

It takes courage to be creative. Just as soon as you have a new idea, you are in a minority of one.

Cops pull me over just to get a better look. They never give me a ticket, even if I'm speeding, but they will ask to take pictures.

Rules are not necessarily sacred, principles are.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

The hardest thing to do is something that is close to nothing.