A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

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...There's a difference between desire and desperation. You should never want a guy more than he wants you.

It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean

i know i can't do much, but i can do a little and i'm going to do as much of that as i can.but if we all do that--we can make a big difference.

The sad part is that you love her.... and she didn't love you back.

Nor shall derision prove powerful against those who listen to humanity or those who follow in the footsteps of divinity, for they shall live forever. Forever.

If a misplaced admiration shows imbecility, an affected criticism shows vice of character. Expose thyself rather to appear a beast than false.

I have searched frantically for contentment for so many years in so many ways, and all the acquisitions and accomplishments- they run you down in the end.

By which I get my wealth-- And very gladly will I drink Your Honour's noble health.

An house is of a double nature, viz., one, wherein it is a way and means of expence, the other as it is an instrument and tool of gain.