A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever.

There are few mortals so insensible that their affections cannot he gained by mildness, their confidence by sincerity, their hatred by scorn or neglect

In fame's temple there is always a niche to be found for rich dunces, importunate scoundrels, or successful butchers of the human race.

Who conquers indolence conquers all other hereditary sins.

Silence is the safest response for all the contradiction that arises from impertinence, vulgarity, or envy.

The quarter of an hour before dinner is the worst that suitors can choose.

The more you speak of yourself, the more you are likely to lie.

Idlers cannot even find time to be idle, or the industrious to be at leisure. We must always be doing or suffering

A moral lesson is better expressed in short sayings than in long discourse.

Suicides pay the world a bad compliment. Indeed, it may so happen that the world has been beforehand with them in incivility. Granted. Even then the retaliation is at their own expense.

Comedians are not usually actors, but imitations of actors.

I want to swim in both directions at once. Desire success, court failure.

Objective journalism is one of the main reasons that American politics has been allowed to be so corrupt for so long.

The science of mathematics performs more than it promises, but the science of metaphysics promises more than it performs.

But as the Pope has a long arm, which might reach me in France, I have gone a little out of the way to tell him the plain truths contained in these pages.

People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they’ve never done anything that have blown me away. They say I’m a div and Dolphins are intelligent…It just baffles me.

I often feel that my life, much like my shows, will end on a cliffhanger.

I'd like to learn French well enough to write in that language.

I wanted to be a pianist but it just wasn't my thing. I guess I wanted to stand up rather than sit down.

Truth is not merely what we are thinking, but also why, to whom and under what circumstances we say it.