A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

The only people who are desperate to go on the show are people we're desperate not to have on the show.

I always say I'd rather be miserable by myself than unhappy in a relationship.

I don't think I've got bad taste. I've got no taste.

I am really bad at actually interviewing people.

In my experience the difference between a straight and a bisexual is about four pints

I bet Maurice Gibb's heart monitor was singing the tune of Stayin' Alive.

A comedian's a comedian. They're a very kind of cynical bunch. I guess that's why I like them.

The BBC is a victim of its own independence.

I have nothing to say about my childhood. It was a perfectly pleasant upbringing - it's not like it was unhappy or anything.

Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do.

You Can't Be A Hero To The World, If Your Aren't First A Hero In Your Home!

It is the around-the-corner brand of hope that prompts people to action while the distant hope acts as an opiate.

If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.

Dogs may be divided into two classes: those who are merely afraid of cattle and those who can't abide them.

I'm glad you were both here," I finally manage, thinking how strange it is to be standing with the two people who made you, something most kids take for granted every day of their lives.

A son or daughter in any human family is either born to or adopted by the parents. By definition, a child can't be both. But with God we're both born of Him and adopted by Him.

Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.

I always have a pair of Ray-Bans in my bag and lots of pairs at home because they seem to go missing. They're a real staple.

I think it's awesome. I miss it so much. That ocean has something on me.

Your sole purpose in life is to attain God-realization. All else is useless and worthless.