A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The pain and shame felt are unknown to those with planned vacations. They know not of the tsunami that rescinded the homes, goals, and hopes of its victims—swallowed by the sea of greed.

Do we follow the road life’s placed before us? Or do we dare step up and forge an exceptional path. A path fraught with struggle and sacrifice, Yet one whose outcome places us in destiny’s arms.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

I can't do with mountains at close quarters - they are always in the way, and they are so stupid, never moving and never doing anything but obtrude themselves.

I felt more than ever the necessity of my mission. But I went home out of spirits, I hardly know why. I must work by myself all life long.

This be an empty world without the blues.

Love: I recognize the emotion for what it is, an irrational self-destructive impulse, which is disguised as joy.

Bliss begins with the breath. We breathe in, and accept all that is new. We breathe out, and release all that has passed.

No champion has ever lifted a trophy that was not already being held inside.

I can't say that I ever actually decided to become a writer. It kind of snuck up on me.