A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

You cannot produce trust just like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not.

No amount of money can fill your heart up with what kindness and compassion can.

Everybody in love is blind.

The best V-Day gift I've ever received was a personalized photo collage.

There are some things you can't learn at any university, except for one, the University of Life... the only college where everyone is a permanent student.

So what’d you do to the lesser?” a male voice said. “I lit his cigarette with a sawed-off,” another one answered. “He didn’t come down for breakfast, you feel me?

It truly sucks to doubt your friends when you only have one or two of them, I realized.

We do not invest in advertising... So racing is the best advertising for Ferrari.

The Christian tradition was passed on to me as a great rich mixture, a bouillabaisse of human imagination and wonder brewed from the richness of individual lives.

These are great days.