A great NOW will be a great WAS! A bad NOW will always be a bad WAS, and all you can hope for is a Great GONNA BE!

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

If you can't stand yourself, neither can anybody else!

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.

If you have no tragedy, you have no comedy. Crying and laughing are the same emotion. If you laugh too hard, you cry. And vice versa.

Jazz is a beautiful woman whose older brother is a policeman.

People come up to me and they thank me: 'I thank you for the many, many hours of laughter.'

Every language has its own music.

Great designers seldom make great advertising men, because they get overcome by the beauty of the picture - and forget that merchandise must be sold.

The poor have sometimes objected to being governed badly; the rich have always objected to being governed at all.

I want to make college tuition-free for the middle class and debt-free for everyone else.

Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!

Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.

If you watch my movie, you understand I am perverse and weird and angry and not looking to direct a film that ends with a bunch of teenagers exploding into glitter.

The Allah of Islam is the same as the God of Christians and the Ishwar of Hindus.

God calls you to make definitive choices, and He has a plan for each of you: to discover that plan and to respond to your vocation is to move toward personal fulfillment.

If the United States marches into Iraq without the backing of the United Nations, that will be done entirely without the backing of the American people.

Kids aren't supposed to have to figure out how to be happy. They just are.