A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You know a relationship has deteriorated past the point of salvage when one person detests another's gestures.

Man's command of the language is most important. Next to kissing it's the most exciting form of communication.

Well British troops are superb in the field in terms of conflict.

It's definitely nerve-racking to be the center of attention. I'm not the kind of an actor that just craves attention 24-7 - but it's part of the deal. You're the leader on the set

Blank pages inspire me with terror.

How rare that an artist should make something which forces us to think, and encourages us to stop and think, to question why we behave the way we do.

Girls like to see girls dressed up like princesses occasionally. Guys don”t really care, they just want to get the clothes off.

Allah created the bonds of family, so Who are you to cut bonds that Allah has created.

I’m a lunatic by nature, and lunatics don’t need training – they just are.

The ministry of fear that won't let you live. The ministry of grace that doesn't forgive.