A grown man, weeping, is a tough thing to see.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

I don't see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty - and evaporating quickly.

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.

I don't feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him.

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

After all, that's why we read historical fiction-to be transported to another time, and to be astonished at ancient people's lives and traditions, just as they would probably be astonished at ours.

Greenwich Village... the village of low rents and high arts.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

His [Martin Luther King] last book, Where Do We Go From Here: Chaos or Community, is a direct reference to angles, barbarism or socialism.

For them that think death's honesty won't fall upon them naturally life sometimes must get lonely.

While your children are sleeping, your puppy is crappin'.

Laughter means nothing unless there have been tears.

Looking through the viewfinder for me is like being in a movie theater. That's what I like about it.

Had it pleas'd heaven To try me with affliction * * * I should have found in some place of my soul A drop of patience.