A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

A broken heart is never a tragedy. Only untimely death is a tragedy.

Seeing to it that a youngster grows up believing not just in the here and now but also in the grand maybes of life guarantees that some small yet crucial part of him remains forever a child.

As thrilling as it was, speechwriting is ultimately frustrating for someone who wants to be a writer.

Politicians saying one thing and doing another, celebrities though are some of the worst offenders.

This is what I've learned, in my life: Headbanging is crucial. Growing up is hard to do. There's nothing wrong with wearing a dress.

It doesn't really matter who said it - it's so obviously true. Before you can write anything, you have to notice something.

There was that law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same.

I'm the reason Hulk Hogan lost his hair.

Emotions can create problems that do not exist. It's fine to be justifiably angry. But, it's not okay to let that anger fester long enough to become bitterness.

If you live in a system that is suppressive, you don't walk upright, you always go with your head down.