A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

There are days you live through

The game is so fantastic, and people who get into it love it so much...I'd be pleased with that. There's no game like it.

I'm the most misunderstood, misquoted person I know, honestly.

I don't believe that you can talk about a photograph being true or false. I don't think such a claim has any meaning.

Today, when I saw you, I realized that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion.

Singletons should not have to explain themselves all the time but should have an accepted status — like geisha girls do

Only nuclear power can now halt global warming.

Good God! This man should be writing dime novels.

Couldn't you see me and you stretched out in a bikini on the beach in Tahiti? See, me, I'm very selective even though I could be greedy; My main objective is to write our names together in graffiti.

This isn’t a game. We don’t want mediocre employees who can keep the status quo. We want souls. We want to win. And you’ve spent most of your time here being mediocre.