A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.

There is a tragic flaw in our precious constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.

He didn't look like a soldier at all. He looked like a filthy flamingo.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Perhaps I am the turtle, able to live simply anywhere, even underwater for short periods, with my home on my back.

About astrology and palmistry: they are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.

We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

I can only imagine that future generations will consider us to have been barbaric for our intolerance of differences.

I've accepted the fact I have mental illness but when my imaginary friends start calling me crazy that's where I draw the line

You have more potential in you than you can possibly use up in an entire lifetime or even in several lifetimes. Stop making up excuses and believing in limits.

The Glycemic Index is one the best tools for fat loss. It measures how quickly foods breakdown into sugar in your bloodstream.

You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power.

Inequality is going to be a big issue, but competence is going to be the biggest issue. [People] want to see somebody that's super-competent and that's me.

You can't just put any four people together and it goes 'yaaaaah', y'know?

The point is, I'm weird, but I never felt weird.

Content-based marketing gets repeated in social media and increases word-of-mouth mentions; it's the best way to gather buzz about a product.

You know, by the time you reach my age, you've made plenty of mistakes if you've lived your life properly.